A Tear In the Fabric, A Practice in Surrender
It was a tear in the fabric of my life. Something shifted and solidified in that moment.
21 years ago, I had a much different life. I literally lived in another world. A world of numbers and profitability. A world where I had to listen to, and appease, unruly and angry customers. I was in charge of auditing and compliance in our facility. My responsibility included overseeing 3 different departments. Mine was a world of long (endless) days and MANY sleepless nights. Demands and deadlines. I traveled 10-15 days a month. A 60hr work week was cause for celebration.
I had job security, stock options, performance bonuses. I wined and dined high profile clients and bought expensive bottles of wine at fancy restaurants. There were dinners and late nights with the other execs, regularly drinking to excess while puffing fat Cuban cigars. It was the American Dream. (or was it?)
After a particularly grueling week I found myself at home on a Friday evening. I sat on our sofa, dead tired, and not feeling very good about myself. A hand suddenly smacked me in the back of the head. A voice out of nowhere said, “It’s time to go home!” What the f*#k! Who said that? Except for my wife, (now ex) no one else was around. “Did you hear that!” I said. “Hear What?” I must be imagining it! But I felt the slap. I heard a Voice.
There was a moment of clarity. “What the F*#k are we doing here,” I asked?
“I don’t know.”
I stood up, went to the phone, and called my sister in Hawaii. “Who’s living at the beach house?” “No one, why?” “I’m coming home.” “you sure?” she said. “I can’t do this anymore. I’ll call you in a couple days.”
The next day. (Yep, Saturday’s were mandatory) I walked into my boss’ office “Dave, I quit. I can’t do this anymore. I’m moving back to Hawaii.” We were the same age and good friends. I had helped the company through a very rocky time. We were becoming profitable again. “I’m sorry to see you leave and I understand your decision.”, he said. I was shocked to see tears in his eyes. “I wish I could do the same thing. I envy you.”
I took a few months to sell everything I had or owned and by the end of September I was back in Hawaii again.
That was my first true experience of the practice of surrender and the first time I had done something purely for myself, spontaneously, without a plan, or an understanding in the moment why I was doing it.
I had no inner concept of what surrender meant. It was just a knowing that I couldn’t keep doing what I had been doing. I didn’t know what was going to happen. All that mattered was that I was walking away from something that I wasn’t, (and probably never had been) in alignment with anymore.
To let go of your fears, face the unknown, and follow the calling of that inner guidance that’s inside you is probably the greatest act of surrender, and “Bad Assery”, as my friend Laura DiFanco says.
I now realize that my Kūpuna, (my ancestors) had been trying to talk to me for a long time, I just wasn’t listening, and I had been dialed into the wrong channel. When I finally surrendered, I started to feel their presence more and more. As I learned to let go, an entirely new world opened up to me. The world of Spirit. The world of my ancestors and my lineage. Now I share this gift with people from all over the world.
It isn’t a question anymore, it is who I am.
Surrender is a practice and a verb, not a noun.
It’s an action, not a thought.
It’s already there inside you, waiting for you to find it.
Know that you have the courage and the strength.
You really do know what you want and how you want to live your life.
Get clear, step out, and do it.
You are not alone, and if you ask for it, help will be there. You have to trust that.
Leap, the net will always be there.
James Kawainui is a Native Hawaiian Healer. His expertise is clearing blockages resulting from trauma, injury or illness. James’ passion and commitment is to help people live positive, productive, pain-free lives. You can find James at: https://jameskawainui.com/